Sex counselling brought me closer to my wife, saved our marriage

I’ve been married for 7 years, five of which have been in utter misery. I was 35 years old and hurtling swiftly into a divorce-like stage with my wife. What would happen to our little boy?

Worse... what happened to us? We were so much in love with each other that nothing and nobody could separate us. We forced our parents to consent to our marriage because of our love for each other. Then after our son came along things went swiftly downhill.

My wife had a mental problem. She suspected that I was having an affair. A mild doubt, I can understand. Her’s was a full blown condition. She was suspicious of me to a degree that was demented and absolutely exasperating.

It started with the badgering at home. We would be having a nice conversation after dinner and suddenly she would slip it in, “Tell me who you are seeing? Are you having an affair?” At first I would laugh it off. Soon enough I understood that she was serious and I was at pains to explain that there was no one other than her. And there never would be. She refused to believe me. Soon she started checking my phone messages and whatsapp and even my emails! She checked every one of the junk photos we all receive on our social messaging apps and carefully combed through my phone. When she didn’t find anything, she would be filled with rage. If I didn’t know her better, i would say that she wanted me to stray. Next step, she started calling my work place at odd hours, put unrelated facts together and conclude as definitive proof that i was indeed having an affair. Finally she started calling friends.

I was losing my mind with all the crazy antics of my wife and the unending arguments at home when a friend recommended sex therapy. I was really worried at first. I didn’t know what sex therapy would entail and decided that nothing could be worse than what we already had.

I took an appointment and both of us went for it both nervous and worried. We were also embarrassed that our love wasn’t strong enough, and had withered at the very first storm. But 10 minutes of talking to the doctor, I was in tears.

He was a thorough professional and made both of us open up about our problem in turns. The doctor prodded us to go deeper and isolate, when the problems began. By the time our second appointment came around, I had no secrets from the doctor and came clean with my premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. After much prodding my wife confessed that eight months after our son was born, the episiotomy that the doctor had performed on her during delivery, hurt quite badly. At first I used to be quite puzzled by her rushing in between the act the second the baby would cry. And she never came back ready to start. Always too tired to continue. Later she had begun to refuse sex for weeks on an end. Finally, I stopped approaching her.

This was the time her suspicions had raised their ugly head. She was sure that I was having an affair our own sex life didn’t exist.

Her anger and rage in turn put me off sex completely. I started experiencing premature ejaculations and was always anxious even during the few times we did make love. Will I get hard enough? Will I be able to sustain? Will I disappoint her yet again?

After our fourth session, we had already begun our healing. The doctor gave me a few pills for my erectile dysfunction, but asked me to first mend my marriage before ingesting pills.

It was the best advice I ever got. I haven’t touched the pills and my wife’s faith in me has returned. She was very proud of my decision to seek help (unanticipated... I was initially very scared that she would begin to start fighting at the doctor’s clinic), and has elected to rejoin her work.

Sex therapy, sounds like a big bad ugly thing. In reality, it is just a trained doctor understanding the physical and emotional nature of your sex life. It worked for me, at least.

Taken from the case files of Dr. Rajan Bhonsle, M.D. Hon Professor & HOD, Department of Sexual medicine, KEM & G.S.Medical College. Names are withheld on request.

Quick guide to Sex Therapist in your city

1. Mumbai – Dr. Rajan Bhonsle, Heart to Heart Counselling Center

2. Bangalore- Dr. Shivdev, Panacea Hospital

3. Delhi – Dr. Achal Bhagat, Indraprastha Apollo Hospitals