When you depend on strangers for sex (not what it sounds like!)

Living in India has its perks – maids, electricians, plumbers, whatever form of house help you need, is on hand. Living in India has its downfalls too. All these people (and other random bais) looking for work are constantly ringing our bells uninvited, at the most, uh, inopportune moments. Last week, when we were swapping stories about being caught “red handed” in the act, my friend shared an interesting anecdote.

Between sending the kids to school and packing the husband to office, they got between the sheets. And then, the doorbell rang. And when you’re in India, every self-respecting husband knows that the most important person of the house is – the bai. And when she’s early, the only name your wife is screaming in delight is hers. With the bai being more early than late, Mr. X saw a drop in sex. And so, to no one’s surprise, when the bai called in sick one day, he offered her raise on the spot.

Another friend recollected the lunch hour that her husband came home to, but was hungry for something else altogether. Not that there was any excuse needed but she said that that was the only time that they were both awake when the kids weren’t around! Ouch.

These bemusing tales aren’t unique. We’ve come to rely upon all sorts of strangers for our orgasms – the lady who invites your child for a birthday party/play date, the friend who invites you to dinner, the bai who’s late, the in-laws who take the kid to the park, the school bus that’s early, Disney Junior on TV and so on. And what makes it more exciting? Is the uncertainty, the unpredictability of the act? Opening your front door to your horny husband may sound infinitely better than, to the mail man, say. But is it? Like another friend put it quite eloquently –

“Dude, we are not in a Desperate Housewives drama. I am not always horny. And if my husband walked home at lunch time expecting sex, of all things, he’d be one disappointed man. Do you have any idea how busy my day is at 1 pm?” she asks me matter-of- factly. Point. We think, as consenting adults, we’d be able to find a chunk of time to do the deed, sans disturbances, sans visitors, sans sleep or whatever. But the juxtaposition of all these opportune moments is an Eid ka chaand sighting for many.

So, tell us. What are your ways to make sure that strangers don’t have any part control in your sex lives? I’m sure many people would like to know.


You asked. We answered.

Dear Ms Black Lace,

My in-laws live with us. During the first year of our marriage, my MIL constantly hinted that I should procreate and so obviously she was happy when I was “with” her son. It seems like the job of sex is done now that I have given her a grandchild. She now makes snide remarks, gives me the cold shoulder etc. every time I’m intimate with my husband. I suppose they can hear us or something because there is no other way to tell. And I’m not imagining it. This is surely the reason. What do I do?

Ms.Between-a- rock-and- a-hard- place


Dear Ms. Hard Place,

Oops, that's quite a sticky situation to be in, no pun intended. I suggest being super affectionate to your husband in public the morning after. Sort of a counter intuitive reaction to your mother-in-laws. This way, she'll know you know and you know you can't do anything about it but that doesn't stop you from being super lovey to your hubby dearest. If she cottons on, she'll want to go running back to the days of not knowing. And if she doesn't, well, develop a thick skin coz I don't see this problem going away, do you?


If you have sex/relationship questions, do write to me at blacklace@zenparent.in. Your queries will be treated and answered anonymously on the column. Have a sexy week ahead!