An open letter to any woman who just had a miscarriage

Hi there!

You are devastated, we know. You could never imagine you would lose your baby in a miscarriage, and now you don’t want to face the world. We know you hate people around you who are telling you “take care” or “move on.” We know you cannot move on from a miscarriage in the snap of a finger. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Losing a pregnancy that you wanted, and one that you were trying for, makes the world come crashing down around you. The first instinct you have is to blame yourself because your body was supposed to be the safest place for your baby. To spring back from there is a tough, long process. You are emotionally drained and sometimes it feels like you can’t breathe. But believe us, there is a way out of that dark place you are in right now.  

We get that the pain is all-consuming. Take your time with it. Don’t try to snap out of it for your husband or your parents or your in-laws. Right now, nobody deserves your time as much as you do. You have to think what you want to do. If you want to go get a haircut, do it. If you want to go away to your parents’ for some time, do it. If you want to get back to the story you were reading before the event happened, do that. In short, the only way to handle the emotional pain is to get out of bed and do something that doesn’t remind you of your loss or doesn’t carry with it the massive weight of your loss. We are not saying that you will ever really heal from the loss, but for the sake of your own sanity, it is important to do something that doesn’t remind you of that loss constantly.

Because, let’s face it, you will never forget what happened. You’ll never forget the shock, the pain, the anger or the denial you felt when you saw the blood in your underwear. You will never forget the numbing pain that came after. But ask yourself this, are you really not more than this one traumatic experience? You were a good, kind woman who touched the lives of at least some people in a positive way. Someone somewhere once smiled because of you. Be that woman again.
We know what you are thinking. It’s not easy. Your loss makes you feel like a different person now. You have changed after your miscarriage, and that is a major truth. You see things differently now. As we said earlier, you probably hate your body too. But being the woman you basically are or doing something that you want to do for yourself will bring back some self-love in you. You will begin to care about yourself again. You will need to love yourself again soon, because, and remember this, you deserve to be loved.

But when we say that, we are not telling you to stop being sad. No, we are telling you the opposite of what everyone else around you is telling you. Letting yourself choose when you want closure, or for how long you will mourn the loss of your baby, or how you will cope with it, is entirely your decision. Cry if you want to. Never think how others are judging you for crying. And don’t trivialise the pain to make anyone happy. The loss of losing a baby at 12 weeks feels the same as losing the baby at 9 months - it is your child, after all. You cannot start to feel better unless you let yourself feel worse. So let the pain wash over you. Let the tears flow. Only when you are all cried out will you have room for another desire to socialise or smile.

While you take care of your emotional self, do not let your body suffer. We get that you will hate your body because it couldn’t keep your baby safe. It is perfectly normal, believe us. Women want to hurt their bodies to deal with the anger. You might want to stop using it well. You might want to deny yourself intimacy or sex or feel “what’s the point?” when you think of waxing or moisturising. As we said, it is normal. But believe us, ill-treating your body will not bring back the time when your baby was still safe inside you. In fact, it is important to forgive your body and start taking care of it like you used to before the incident, because this is one of the biggest steps to healing.

You are in a place where no one wants to be. You had to say goodbye to your baby even before you got a chance to say hello. But you are much more a woman than this event made you believe. You are much stronger than this. You are a survivor. If you survived this, you can now take on the world.

This will devastate you. This will change you. Don’t let this destroy you. You owe it to yourself.


Feature image: Pinterest