Kinky sex and fetishes

I thought of this when one of the readers asked a relevant question (find it below) about sexual fetishes. Painted red toenails, ladies’ underwear, high heels, animal costumes, or rubber balloons might not sound sexy to everyone, but for some people, they’re a huge turn-on. Sexual fetishes are basically unconventional sexual behaviour, and they can be part of a healthy sex life. Role play can also come under this category. Once you’re used to the same partner, a lot of these fetishes help mix things around and make it more exciting than the now common quickie. But fetishes can get in the way of relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners. So when is asking your partner to wear just his tie in the bedroom OK?

Fetishes can involve anything from items of clothing to non-genital body parts like feet — but they don’t mean that someone’s a freak. Many fetishists hold, rub, or smell the object of fixation, or ask their partner to use the item. And some fetishists may be unable to experience arousal without the fetishized stimulus. Women’s lingerie, high-heeled shoes, boots, hair, stockings, and a variety of leather, silk, and rubber objects can all be fetishes. Then there are people who dress up in animal suits, hairy armpits, hairy genitalia (ironically not connected), and lovers of regression (read: adult babies).

And I’ve noticed that it’s typically a guy thing. And Science supports this conjecture. While women may enjoy reading porn (thank you, 50 Shades of Grey!), fetishism is much more common in men. In terms of why someone is into stilettos and balloon popping, it’s usually just an instance of the fetish being reinforced by orgasm that takes place in the presence of the object or activity.

Is it a fetish even? People who’re super conventional even chalk down different positions to being a fetish. Sexual normalcy is having a range of desires and a degree of sexual fluidity. Not having that flexibility, and instead fixating on one stimulus is when a fetish comes into play. But fetishes aren’t dirty or undesirable as long as they don’t involve any force, kids, public sex or self-destructive behaviour.

If you partner has a fetish, try and understand it first. If it’s just wearing heels in bed, or painting your toe nails red and having him give you a foot massage, what’s it going to hurt (wait, the heels might!)  It’s OK to let that freak flag fly, so long as sexual preferences don’t get in the way of personal relationships and daily life. If a preference turns obsessive, it’s also OK to seek help from a mental health professional.

Just use caution when asking someone to dress as a dog on a first date ;).

 

You asked. We answered.

 

Dear Black Lace,

My partner often wants to have sex in front of a mirror. We have a full length in our bedroom. He often wants to watch me in the mirror as he undresses me. And he likes to touch me while he’s standing behind me and he basically gets fully aroused and then flips me over to enter. It was good the first couple of times because it was new. Now, I’m like is this a fetish? Is this the only way we are going to do it? Why is it such a turn on? And what should I do?

Ms Mirror-mirror-on-the-wall

 

Dear Ms Mirror-Mirror,

The term for this fetish is Kaptoptronophilia and it’s neither uncommon nor weird. When it’s dark, most people can’t necessarily see each other’s reactions. Watching you enjoy what he’s doing to you in the mirror is a turn on (that’s how it works). It’s also a bit narcissistic in that they want to know how good they are. But in moderation, this is a great way to have sex. The problem is if he refuses to do it elsewhere or in any other manner except with a mirror around. Although, this sounds new from what you write. Maybe he saw something on TV/Internet and wanted to try it and really enjoys it. Play along for a bit. But if that’s all that it is, you need to talk about it. Among yourselves or with a therapist.

 

 

If you have sex/relationship questions, do write to me at blacklace@zenparent.in. Your queries will be treated and answered anonymously on the column. Have a sexy week ahead!

 
 

 

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