I Love Being The Way I Am!

I am digging into an absolutely sinful red velvet pastry as I write this. If I were doing this a couple of years ago, I would be drowning in guilt with every bite. Not anymore. I refuse to punish myself further by refraining from enjoying what I eat just because I don’t exercise, do yoga or even take a walk.I remember stepping out for some groceries with my then two-month-old son in a stroller and getting some very appreciative glances. But I was blessed with those glances only because I had my baby as an alibi, or I would be convicted for the kilo crime I had committed. Because by the time my baby was eight months old, the glances remained but the appreciation had almost gone.I was under attack from all sides. My mum worried that I would spoil my health, my mum-in-law was distressed that I weighed more than her son. And my friends? They were all in a state of panic as they discussed healthy salads, soups, and the gym at an almost feverish pace. It was on one of those days that I took a long look in the mirror and my heart broke.I could hear all the attacking voices coming back to me from all directions and I decided to be fitter. It was more of a desperate move under pressure. 


I signed up for an aerobics class and boy, did I love it in the beginning. I jumped and danced my way to feeling great and light as it was excellent for venting the frustration too. Knock knock month two, and I began wondering why I wasn’t enjoying it any more. The seven-day class was being reduced to three to four days in a week because sometimes I would be tired, my knees would be aching or the nanny wouldn’t show up. By the third month, all the money was spent on shoes and clothes and I had nothing left for aerobics! I don’t even want to mention the rebound that happened in kilos.

There was a break and when the guilt rose again, I hired a yoga instructor. But every time I started, my elder kid would be hungry, drop something or the nanny would come complaining that the baby was crying unusually. How can one concentrate with such a complicated life?And I needed a proper walking track almost next to my house to continue walking as I found it extremely irritating to walk along with stray dogs following, broken pavements and ceaselessly honking cars on the road.So it was dieting, finally. But I needed the energy to take care of two kids round the clock and, when I let go of the food that satisfied me, I was only inviting anger and frustration. That was it. I was done! I could not continue doing something I was uncomfortable with or made me mad. I had a lot of things to take care of and get done by the end of the day and I had no time for a fitness regimem in my 25-hour day.I realised I was happier just being the way I was and doing what I had to do without the additional baggage of trying to get fit. Yes, I did envy thinner women and the clothes they could carry off. But you know what? I found clothes that made me feel good too, if not perfect. And I noticed that what ultimately drew people to you was not your size but your cheerful disposition and positivity.The other thing I learnt was that the happier you were the healthier you felt. I am finally free from the prison of low self esteem and bad body image; I have accepted myself lovingly and I have made peace with who I am.Round is a shape too and I carry my self with confidence and a broad smile on my face.