I Love Being The Way I Am!

I am digging into an absolutely sinful red velvet pastry as I write this. If I were doing this a couple of years ago, I would be drowning in guilt with every bite. Not anymore. I refuse to punish myself further by refraining from enjoying what I eat just because I don’t exercise, do yoga or even take a walk.

I remember stepping out for some groceries with my then two-month-old son in a stroller and getting some very appreciative glances. But I was blessed with those glances only because I had my baby as an alibi, or I would be convicted for the kilo crime I had committed. Because by the time my baby was eight months old, the glances remained but the appreciation had almost gone.

I was under attack from all sides. My mum worried that I would spoil my health, my mum-in-law was distressed that I weighed more than her son. And my friends? They were all in a state of panic as they discussed healthy salads, soups, and the gym at an almost feverish pace. It was on one of those days that I took a long look in the mirror and my heart broke.

I could hear all the attacking voices coming back to me from all directions and I decided to be fitter. It was more of a desperate move under pressure.

 

Fat-Thin-Womensource

I signed up for an aerobics class and boy, did I love it in the beginning. I jumped and danced my way to feeling great and light as it was excellent for venting the frustration too. Knock knock month two, and I began wondering why I wasn’t enjoying it any more. The seven-day class was being reduced to three to four days in a week because sometimes I would be tired, my knees would be aching or the nanny wouldn’t show up. By the third month, all the money was spent on shoes and clothes and I had nothing left for aerobics! I don’t even want to mention the rebound that happened in kilos.

There was a break and when the guilt rose again, I hired a yoga instructor. But every time I started, my elder kid would be hungry, drop something or the nanny would come complaining that the baby was crying unusually. How can one concentrate with such a complicated life?

And I needed a proper walking track almost next to my house to continue walking as I found it extremely irritating to walk along with stray dogs following, broken pavements and ceaselessly honking cars on the road.

So it was dieting, finally. But I needed the energy to take care of two kids round the clock and, when I let go of the food that satisfied me, I was only inviting anger and frustration. That was it. I was done! I could not continue doing something I was uncomfortable with or made me mad. I had a lot of things to take care of and get done by the end of the day and I had no time for a fitness regimem in my 25-hour day.

I realised I was happier just being the way I was and doing what I had to do without the additional baggage of trying to get fit. Yes, I did envy thinner women and the clothes they could carry off. But you know what? I found clothes that made me feel good too, if not perfect. And I noticed that what ultimately drew people to you was not your size but your cheerful disposition and positivity.

The other thing I learnt was that the happier you were the healthier you felt. I am finally free from the prison of low self esteem and bad body image; I have accepted myself lovingly and I have made peace with who I am.

Round is a shape too and I carry my self with confidence and a broad smile on my face.

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