How to keep yourself happy in bed when your husband is away

Corporate husbands are travelling at least two months in a year. Training, they say. They’ll go to the US, Singapore, Germany, France, eat all the food you want to, see all the places you’ve dreamed of all your life. And the best you get? Changing poopy diapers at home. Running behind toddlers as they fling food at walls, wiping snot. No, ladies, you can’t settle for that. Your life promised much more before you married.

Off careering the world, your men might not think of steamy nights at home, but weeks together of sleeping alone on your king sized bed will get frustrating for you. Of course, this is the time you get to fling your legs out, sleep diagonal, bring dinner to bed and switch on the TV for once. But let’s not ignore the fact that you thirst for action too, even if the spouse complains you don’t initiate anything ever. So exploit this time, when you don’t have a wild-eyed, needy man pleading with you to help him climax.

Yep, masturbate. Don’t be a conservative ninny and shy away from your sexuality. How, you ask. How do you pleasure yourself? You’re so used to something thrust into you, to someone else doing the thrusting. Not to worry. I’ll tell you. It’s why I’m here, no?

1. Set the mood:

Very much like you do when you prepare for a romantic evening with your husband. Except, this time, you’re not thinking of what he likes. You only focus on you. Skip the rose petals, I say, but you might still want to open a bottle of wine and dim the lights (don’t forget to put the kids to bed well before). Turn on music, if you think it’s getting too quiet for you in your room.

2. Find your stimulant:

Mills and Boon! Fifty Shades of Grey! Makes you want to throw up on a regular day. Now, it works magic. Want to experiment a little more? Anais Nin’s The Delta of Venus, a collection of erotic short stories. Free PDF available. You’re bound to find your trigger there. Don’t rule out the videos you find online either, but if you go for that, find something that isn’t obviously fake - no bigger mood kill than that.

3. Pull out some aids:

Sex toys? If you have access to them. Otherwise, get out a vibrating razor or toothbrush and use the handle (only). Keep away from carrots, ladies finger and cucumber (ouch!), they could break inside and ruin all the fun.

4. Lubricate!

Ever tried shower sex? Hot, steamy, sweaty, yummy. And, oh, the water. Makes his movements inside you superb. Do exactly that when you’re alone. If water doesn’t work for you, KY Jelly to the rescue.

5. Don’t underestimate your finger:

You have an advantage over your man, ladies, because you have two erotic zones. The second one is overused when your husband is around, but the first, more effective zone is much neglected. Now’s your chance to experiment with it. Stretch out, close your eyes and have a go. You’ll never want him back in the same bed again.