Are you asexual? Here’s how you’ll know

Are you asexual? Here's how you'll know

You asked. We answered.

Dear Black Lace,

My wife has never been interested in sex ever since we first got married. I know she does it to please me and sort of gets through the motions, makes the right noises and faces and basically gets me to a climax. She never names a single thing I can do for her and laughs it away. And I can see she doesn’t enjoy sex and almost every time it’s an “are we there yet” thing. I feel cheated and awful. And I don’t think she’s having an affair or anything, but it’s just disappointing overall. I have suggested seeing a counsellor, a sex therapist and many other things. She says she just doesn’t think sex is so important in our marriage. It IS to me. Are we at an impasse?


Mr Can’t, 

It sounds like your wife might be asexual. She might be aware of this or she might not. But it is worth discussing with a sex therapist at the least so she can assuage the guilt she’s probably feeling of not matching your libido at all. But be aware that there’s no diagnosis. And even she isn’t strictly asexual, it might still be a libido mismatch. There are a lot of couples who go through this. Many choose to resolve it by finding many other things to do together that they enjoy that needn’t be sex. If sex is extremely important for you, and don’t downplay it, if it is, you’ll probably have to find another solution to your problem – because it’s not going away. Consider this carefully and talk to a certified therapist too. I hope you find an amiable solution. 

Ms Black Lace.


When we think sexual orientation, it is either straight (attracted to the opposite sex) or gay (attracted to one’s own sex). What is almost always ignored is the third orientation – asexuality. Yes, people, it’s real and there are actually millions of people who’re asexual – they don’t feel any sexual attraction to anyone. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Except that a lot of people don’t realise that there is such a thing, think that they’re expected to fit some mould and end up in bad marriages because they’re unable to meet their partner’s sexual needs.

So, if you’ve never really been attracted to anyone and have indulged in any form of romance simply because you thought that society expected it of you, or that you would finally grow into it and enjoy it – the way they showed in movies, it’s worth exploring a wee bit more.

Could you be asexual?

Have you ever felt the desire to touch/kiss/make love to anyone at any point of time? Is sex a very significant part of your relationship? If you’ve answered “no” to any of this, you may possibly be asexual. But understand that this isn’t a medical condition that can be ‘diagnosed’. Just like a person just knows he’s straight or gay, you tend to know that your lack of interest in anything sexual probably translates to the fact that you’re asexual. Here are more ways to identify it –


  • Have you ever used the word “sexy” to define someone? And what does that mean to you? Is it just that they ooze sexual charisma or is it that given a chance you’d like to steal at least a kiss with them? Do you get aroused by thinking about any activity with anyone? If you’ve not had any hot and heavy fantasies about anyone in any scenario (regardless of celebrity or not), you may be asexual.

  • You could even develop sexual attraction every once in a while but probably don’t find its pursuit or satisfaction intrinsically rewarding? That falls in the spectrum of asexual as well.

  • You don’t find sex repulsive. It’s another bodily function like eating or peeing. It doesn’t excite you at all. But you would do it anyway seeing how excited your partner is or how much satisfaction he gets. Given a choice, you’d eliminate it from your routine. Some people might call that asexual.

  • Any sexual attraction you’ve had is very rare and fleeting. You could be graysexual (again on the asexual spectrum but not entirely devoid of feelings for sex).

  • Are your sexual attractions restricted strictly to the people you’ve formed friendships or other relationships with? Do you find it hard to develop any attraction or chemistry with strangers, acquaintances or celebrities? You may be demisexual (again on the asexual spectrum – there are a lot of grays and in-betweens) and you’ll also have a lot in common with asexual people if you are.

Being asexual is an innate choice and nothing can be “done” about it. Just like sex is a big part of many people’s lives, it just isn’t a part of yours. The key to living a happy and successful life is to not get in entangled with someone whose life has a lot of sex in it. That will leave one of you unhappy and lead to other problems. You may find the kind of chemistry you’re looking for with another like you. You’ll then enjoy many things together – sex won’t be one of them.


If you have sex/relationship questions, do write to me at Your queries will be treated and answered anonymously on the column. Have a sexy weekend!